I think I might kill our cats

I’m serious.  They could not be more annoying. 

Let’s start with Kitty.  She is about 8-9ish, black, and extremely moody.  One minute she is loving you up and down then next she is biting your face off.  We think Kitty might have identity issues which may explain some of her bitchiness but she has gone through life with multiple names and families.  She started off in life as “Bessie” living with Ben’s family when she was a baby.  She lived in a ginormous house with a tiny litter-box that was hidden in the basement storage closet and was often molded over because Ben’s little brother and sister neglected their chores.  Ben’s step-dad hated “Bessie” with a passion because she was prone to urinating all over the brand new carpet…Geez, did anyone ever think to look at her litter box? 

Anyway, after some family drama Ben’s mom was looking to make things a little easier and was ready to get rid of “Bessie.”  If I remember correctly she didn’t really care where the cat went as long as she disappeared.  Being the wonderful person he is, Ben came to the rescue and “Bessie” moved into Ben’s fraternity house.  This is where her name changed to “Lucy” for about 2 days.  We thought Lucy was more appropriate given “Bessie” is the most terrible name ever.  Lucy eventually gave way to “Kitty” because that is all we ever called her.  Creative huh? 

Now for Ringo.  Ringo is about 87 years old and the hairiest cat you have ever seen.  Once on a vet visit they asked us to give a written description and the only thing we could come up with was ”orange hairy beast” and that is exactly what we wrote.  We are so mature.   I can’t bash the little man too much because I have had him since I was 9 and he is the most cuddly cat you have ever seen.  Seriously, we can do anything to him and he could care less…as long as we are touching him.  Ben likes to hold him up in the air and spin in circles then put Ringo on the ground and watch him walk in zig-zags because is he dizzy.

Anyway…to their annoying behavior.  Ringo vomits on average once a day in 2-3 spots which include carpet, wood, tile, kitchen tables, couches, beds and so on.  Both cats like to pee on anything crumpled on the ground.  This includes shoes, socks, shirts, nappy rugs, towels, Charlie’s bed, bags, blankets, and most recenlty the hand-made wool rug in our apartment that belongs to Ben’s parents which we just had cleaned for $150.  That’s the easy stuff though.  We have massive amounts of carpet cleaners and we make sure to put all potential pee/vomit items away. 

The really annoying thing is how vocal they both are.  Ringo definitely takes the cake in this category but they both do their fair share of meowing.  Now most cats meow because they are hungry or don’t feel well but Ringo and Kitty meow because they are senile.  Kitty will sit in the bathroom and just meow, just because, no reason, just because she feels like it.  Then if you close the door to the bathroom/bedroom she meows and then starts to bat at the door like she is trying to dig a hole in it.  She prefers to do this at about 3am.

Ringo also meows because he is senile.  Often we think he meows because he is looking for Kitty (he likes to attack her kung-foo style), sometimes because he can’t find us even though we are laying in the bed with him, but most of the time he just meows.  Normally, cats have a nice soft meow…not Ringo.  His you can actually hear outside our apartment.  It has this bubbly deep drawl to it and then moves into a more high pitched sound.  He also prefers to start his meowing around 3am, just after he has knocked everything off of Ben’s desk and batted it around on the floor for a while.

Last night we had quite possibly the worst night of sleep in 2 years of living together.  All of the above was performed to the most all-time annoying levels.  In Ben’s sleepy delirium he rolled over to me to tell me “I am about over Kitty” right after he had gotten out of bed to blockade our bedroom door with the laundry hamper so she couldn’t dig her pretend hole through it.  Then just after I went to pick Ringo up to put him in bed with us (in hopes that he would stop meowing) Ben rolled over to tell me I should “just give him some pot”.  We aren’t druggies, don’t worry, it is in reference to catnip because they both act like they smoked up after eating it.  After this little interchange Ringo went to Ben’s desk to do his handy-work.

After about 5 hours of all this, I woke up to Ben throwing Ringo on my face in hopes I could shut him up once again.  He wasn’t aiming for my face I am sure but in his frustration that is where Ringo landed.  Did I mention my sister-in-law was sleeping at our house last night?

 Anyone want to sleepover?